“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”
Brené Brown
Though it is an entirely natural emotion, shame plays a malevolent role in trauma healing. Where an external source or experience initially caused someone irreparable harm, shame continues to perpetuate their wounds on a purely internal level- in a way that can be very difficult to recognize.
Fabiana Franco, Ph.D., explains that negative emotions like depression, anxiety, and shame are symptoms rather than diagnoses in an enlightening article on this complicated emotion called Understanding the Role of Shame in Complex Posttraumatic Stress. These types of emotions are a manifestation of something greater.
Under most circumstances, negative emotions like depression and anxiety- and even shame- serve a purpose. After all, shame leads a person to admit to wrongdoing even when they know they could get away with it. These emotions only become a problem when they are “excessively strong and persistent.”
Shame and C-PTSD
Shame has a central role in many mental health concerns. However, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) in particular is characterized by the effects of shame in both its expression and function.
According to Franco, C-PTSD occurs when an individual is made to endure repeated suffering or prolonged abuse at the hands of someone with whom they have a personal relationship. More often than not, this person is a parent or caregiver, and the abuse takes place during childhood.
“When someone frequently faces abuse at the hands of someone they rely on for food, shelter, or other basic needs, they might begin to cope by internalizing feelings of hatred the abuse naturally evokes. When a victim blames themselves for what is happening, it may be easier to relate to the abuser as a caregiver when necessary.”
Fabiana Franco, Ph.D.
In other words, they learn to self-blame. Unfortunately, this can instill deep feelings of shame that will be carried into adult life. Individuals with C-PTSD often find themselves overwhelmed by intense and debilitating feelings of shame, trapping them in an endless cycle of despair.
The Trauma Freeze
Experts Bret Lyon, Ph.D., SEP, and Sheila Rubin, MA, LMFT, explain in their Psychology Today blog, Unlocking Shame, that part of what makes shame so debilitating is that it creates a freeze in the nervous system that works against expression and release. The accompanying sense of powerlessness and weakness reinforce this “trauma freeze.”
Shame also binds itself to other emotions- like anger, fear, and grief- further inhibiting the natural flow of these emotions and their paths to expression.
These uncontrollable and all-consuming feelings become a major obstacle to recovery because they make it even more difficult to confront what happened in the past- a necessary part of the healing process.
Moving Past Shame
Researcher, psychology professor, and bestselling author Brené Brown shared a shame resilience theory (SRT) after researching shame for more than two decades. Her theory connects shame and empathy:
“Empathy creates a hostile environment for shame- it can’t survive.”
(Brown, 2007)
“The fire of shame is fed by silence, judgment, and secrecy; left to burn, it can damage all aspects of our lives. And yet, it doesn’t have to be this way; empathy has the potential to put out the flames, turn down the heat, and stop throwing fuel on the fire.”
(Brown, 2021)
Through revisiting past interviews, Brown found that many individuals recognized the utility of empathy in healing their shame, as well as the need to hear someone say: “I get it; I’ve felt the same way. What you are feeling is normal. It’s OK. I understand what you are going through.”
Brené Brown’s Four Elements of Shame Resilience
1. Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers
The well-known phrase “name it to tame it” helps to explain the need to recognize when we are experiencing shame so that we can work through it. Too often our other powerful emotions, such as blame and fear, blind us to our triggers. As a result, we act in inauthentic ways that will ultimately exacerbate shame.
2. Practicing critical awareness
The messages and expectations that are driving our shame are likely to be unrealistic, unattainable, and not what you would consciously choose for yourself or others. Being critically aware includes not only being cognizant that something exists, but also understanding why, how it works, and its impact.
3. Reaching out
To experience empathy, we must connect with and own our stories. Connection is an important aspect of shame resilience. It allows us to be valued, affirmed, and accepted.
“When we feel worthless, rejected and unworthy of belonging, we feel shame.” (Brown, 2007).
4. Speaking shame
We must learn to ask for what we need whenever we feel shame. By staying quiet and experiencing judgment, we only add to its power. Whether lacking the right words, the right opportunity, or the right audience, we’re left alone with our fears. That’s when we shut down and accept our lot.
Overcoming Shame with Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, offers three elements that can improve self-compassion and help keep shame from taking hold:
1. Practice mindfulness instead of over-identification
Mindfulness observes emotions and thoughts without judgment, interruption, or denial. Though it is important not to over-identify with the pain, we can’t just ignore it either. Instead, we can show ourselves self-compassion.
“This is a moment of suffering…”
2. Practice common humanity over isolation
Feelings of shame and personal inadequacy are universal human emotions. We can benefit from recognizing them as a shared experience- something we all go through.
“Suffering is a part of life…”
3. Practice self-kindness over self-judgment
Developing self-kindness means being more understanding and forgiving ourselves when we perceive our failures and inadequacies. Instead of judging ourselves, we can recognize that we are imperfect and that the obstacles we face are inevitable.
“May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
Therapy for Healing Shame
Another oft-recommended option for healing shame is therapy. Therapists who specialize in trauma, cognitive behavioral therapy, or even Brown’s SRT, can teach clients to interpret their reaction to shame and triggers and help them better connect to others, ultimately reducing fear and increasing empathy.
If you’ve ever experienced any type of trauma, you are likely still carrying shame that makes navigating life harder than it needs to be. Excessively strong or persistent feelings of shame can complicate trauma recovery by overwhelming your nervous system, and prevent you from completing some of the most important steps required for healing. But, there are several ways to free yourself from the grips of this crippling emotion and take back control over your life. Building your shame resilience and practicing self-compassion are two effective options. Therapy has also proved helpful for many. However you may choose to move forward and heal your shame, know that you are not alone in the process.
References:
- Franco, F. (2018, July 16). Understanding the Role of Shame in Complex Posttraumatic Stress. Good Therapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/understanding-role-of-shame-in-complex-posttraumatic-stress-0716184
- Lyon, B; Rubin, S. (2023, November 2). Three Steps to Healing Shame (and Trauma). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/unlocking-shame/202310/three-steps-to-healing-shame-and-trauma
- Sutton, J. (2017, June 14). Shame Resilience Theory: Advice from Brené Brown. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/shame-resilience-theory/
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